One of those days

Wow. Today was one of THOSE days! The kind where you say to yourself over and over, "Oh My God! I'm going to KILL them!!!!"

But then you try to get yourself under control, you try to remember all the little tips and "10 ways to stop yelling at your kids" and for a minute or two, you seem to making progress, until your son is disobedient AGAIN, and he threw ANOTHER fit and hit his sister and then when you are trying to discipline him, starts trying to hit YOU again and then casts himself down, rolling around yelling "NOOOOOOOOOO"!!!!!!!!!!

Yah. It was one of THOSE days. I even went so far as to call Dad to try to get leverage over the Cranky-pants little terror who woke up in my sons bed. Don't know where Jackson went, but the kid who took his place, was not a kid that I wanted to deal with.

One of THOSE days that leaves you feeling like a failure and totally deflated of all the goals for the kind of parent you want to be and the kind of child you want to raise. It leaves you with a surety that life really won't work out OK and that you're going to end up being the nasty person you know is in there, but you've fought long and hard to keep down. And you're going to raise a little hellion that no one likes or wants to be around.

In short. Life SUCKS!

I read these articles about kids who are in the system, or articles about motherhood and how special it is and all the moments and sensations that need to be savored and cherished because your children's childhood is in fact fleeting and soon they will be headed off to college. I sit and weep and think about how much I love my children and how thankful I am for their little arms hugging my neck and their little kisses on my face and their laughs when I tickle and play with them.

And then I have another one of THOSE kind of days. And in the middle of THOSE kind of days, all I can think of is trying to keep my temper. All I can think of is, "OBEY ME FOR GOD'S SAKE! It's not that hard DAMIT!" And all I can think of is, "I can't wait till your dad get's home and you go to BED!" Which then makes me feel really guilty that I don't have my s#$% together more. That I am not one of those moms who speaks softly and gently and caresses the brows of their sweet cherubs. (I personally don't think they exist. I know too many moms.)

So, how to move on after having one of THOSE soul shattering kind of days?  I pray. I go to bed. I take a break. Get some space for a few minutes. Shake it off and then start again tomorrow, remembering how much I really DO love my two little imps. How Jackson makes me laugh with his CONSTANT questions about EVERYTHING!!!!!! About how much I love seeing him be sweet to his sister and how it makes me so proud when he is kind to people and uses all the manners I have so laboriously tried to teach him.

I remember how Emma is truly a JOY. How she is so determined to be a part of EVERYTHING and do everything her big brother does. I remember how friendly she is to everyone and how much she loves us and loves to show it.

In short, I am blessed!

I have two beautiful, healthy, intelligent kids that make life fun and crazy and enjoyable and horrible at times too. I love being a mom and of course I am far from being the best one out there, I am then one that God gave them, so I better put on my big girl pants and get my S$^% together and be their mom. Nurture, love, play with, discipline, teach.

That's what it's all about.

Five months

It's been five months and change since I pushed this little darling out.

Isn't she beautiful? I love her so much! She is 16.8 lbs & getting close to 26" long. She's sweet and smiles and coos and makes herself friendly to all.
I am so thankful that she is here with us. Making our family that much more wonderful.
Favorite things she does? She reaches up and grabs my nose and face while nursing. She'll grab my hand and put it where she wants it. She rolls and laughs around the floor. She'll wave her legs around and scream in pure enjoyment. She's always ready to laugh and smile and her little grins make my days so much more enjoyable. She is now eating oatmeal & apple and enjoying it VERY much! She is eating it twice a day, though she still randomly wakes up in the middle of the night to eat.

Jackson is growing in leaps and bounds and the way he talks is astonishing to everyone. The other night he put his arms around me and told me "my holding you back mamma" He talks about everything. Recently it's been all about the owls and the moose daddy shot. He wan't us to make up and sing songs all about daddy shooting the moose and the owls in the trees.
He's also being exceedingly naughty. He is pushing every boundary and asserting himself ALL. THE. TIME! It's so hard to remember that he is two and I am an adult and I am not going to argue and fight with a two year old like another two year old. I have been trying to remember to teach in my discipline and not just bully because I am frustrated.
He is so creative and such a great boy. It takes me by surprise every time he says "Please Mamma" and "tank qou" without prompting. It gives me hope that all the work it actually being effective!
I love my life and my family. That's not to say that at times all I want to do is sleep or go sit in a quiet room by myself and not have anyone need anything from me, but I do love my little family so much!

And here we all are.

And more pics of Emma because she is too stinkin CUTE!

Rocked

Wow, so much happening and so much to think about recently. I've been thinking about when someone you've respected and looked up to, becomes someone who no longer should be respected. How do you respect someone who is no longer respectable? It sucks to have those people in your lives change completely from who you used to know, to someone quite different
It hurts too. I feel heavy and sad about this situation and there isn't any help for it that I can see. Unless of course God moves.
Uhg.
I also just read an article which made me think about how I have been with Jackson recently. It's so easy to get into a rut of yelling and being frustrated with him instead of being creative in the ways that I try to teach him. It's so easy to get too busy to take the time to give him the attention that he needs. AAAK! Being a mom is so different then what I had thought. Really it's just that I HAVE to think about it the majority of my waking hours, which requires a total rewiring of my brain. It is so easy to be self centered and to try to fit children into a convenient space in my life, instead of making them the WHOLE space and fitting everything else into any available slot.
Here is the article. http://creativewithkids.com/the-day-i-realized-i-was-bullying-my-kids/

And in other news, Emma is hysterical. She is such a cute little button! WOW! How did I manage to have such cute kids!

I'll post a picture when I am at home.

Things I Like

Well it's been a couple of rough days as both kids were sick and I didn't get to sleep much and Jackson is being a typical two year old. He is high energy and needs constant attention! He is a menace! I turn my back for a second and come back to find him "washing" his stuffed animals in the sink. :) But I LOVE how creative he is getting.
So here are some things that I like/love about being a mom.

• I love chubby arms around my neck.
• I love wet kisses on my face.
• I love grins when I tickle bellies. 
• I love snuggles at bed time.
• I love snuggles while BF. 
• I love watching them discover the world. 
• I love playing with them.
• I love baby belly laughs.
• I love two year old belly laughs.
• I love noisiness though it gets old. 
• I love downy heads.
• I love bath time and good smelling soap.
• I love wet babies in towels.
• I love tiny little fingers.
• I love little hands gripping my fingers. 
• I love bigger hand holding mine.
• I love tiny feet!
• I love sweet smelling babies.
• I love the conversation of my two year old. 
• I love late night cooing with my baby. 

There are actually quite a few more, but those are the ones I can think of right this minute. Yesterday Jack pinched his finger a bit in the door and came crying up stairs. I asked him what happened and he said, "Hurt my finger Mamma, in the doorrr.." I said sorry and laughed and bent over because he was so cute and he grinned at me and copied me bending over and chuckling. It was fun. 

These things make the waking in the middle of the night, and the shear exhaustion of raising babies worth it. 

Here are my munchkins.