By his mother
Thanksgiving 2009 was a day of heartbreak. After all the excitement of a new pregnancy, I found out that it wasn’t viable. Ectopic. A horrible one in one hundred condition meaning the baby didn’t come all the way through the fallopian tube. It lodged elsewhere and began to grow, causing bleeding and cramping.
The process of that first pregnancy was very difficult to go through, but I wasn’t brought to my knees. That came later.
After having numerous ultrasounds and exams and much prodding, it was decided that I needed to have a D&C. If you’ve never read about the procedure, don’t. It’s painful just to read about. It was excruciating to go through. But when I found out that the ordeal was not over, but that I needed to go back up and get a shot, I felt far worse.
We finally had an end to the pain and disappointment after a week and a half of traveling back and forth to Fairbanks. I thought that after three months, we would try again and presto chango I would be pregnant and skipping on my merry way.
Little prepared was I for the battle ahead.
After I was deemed to be fit and sound, I started charting to get a good feel of when the best chances for pregnancy were. Cycle one came and went and though disappointed, I wasn’t much alarmed. Then cycle two came and went. A little frustrated I bent my mind on the charting, determined that if I could just get the timing perfect, it was bound to happen. Alas, cycle three came and went in a flurry of emotional distraughtness and sobbing in the bathroom in the early hours. Four then five came and passed with no missed period, not morning sickness, no longed for BFP.
It was getting to the point of obsession when I decided I just needed a break. Dan didn’t understand how difficult the process of conceiving was for me and so it also put a strain on our relationship. We were going to Ft. St. John in July and I decided that it was a great time to just not chart, not think about getting pregnant and just have a break.
Of course that is always easier to say then to do. I didn’t chart, but I thought about it constantly. We ended up getting pregnant on the way home, but of course we didn’t know that. It was a huge battle that I came home too, and I don’t think I’ve ever fought depression as hard in my life as I did for those two weeks.
But David and Olivia were getting married and Dan was the best man so there was lots of work to be done and other things to think about. The day of Olivia’s shower, I remember having lots of cramping. I thought for sure I would be starting my period any minute and was just wishing it would hurry up and start so I could begin charting again. Three days later I knew I was late, but didn’t want to jinx it by testing. So I was cautiously optimistic. Then Thursday came around and because I could stay home and test in the morning after everyone left, I decided to take the leap and pee on the stick.
And wouldn’t you know it, the line came up immediately and was a vibrant blue. I was so jazzed I couldn’t go back to bed and was beaming all day. A week later I took another one and the line was even brighter blue. So we were pregnant!
At seven weeks, I went in to have a ultrasound because of the history of ectopic, they want to test early. I was so nervous going in. What if there was no heartbeat? What if it wasn’t in the uterus again. We went in and laid down on the table and then the screen turned on and the probe went up and there was our tiny baby with a very strong heartbeat.
The weeks and months went by slowly, truth to tell and I really didn’t think the 40 weeks would ever come to an end. I loved feeling the baby roll again and kick and my favorite of all was when I would rub my belly, he would press himself into my hand. He was SO active in the womb. One day late in the pregnancy, like 37 weeks late, he did two full circuits in the womb. I felt his head moving all around. I had Jen check to make sure it was his head, and sure enough, that boy did NOT want to stay down.
I loved not knowing what I was going to have. It was so fun to have that to look forward to as well. And then at thirty-nine weeks, SICKNESS! Everyone was getting sick and I succumbed. I was SO sick. I was up for a few days because I couldn’t sleep and one night I had a fever and as I was getting into the shower in the middle of the night because I thought the hot air would help, I started shivering so badly that it triggered contractions.
I was so afraid I was going to go into labor, unable to breath and having no strength at all. But, the body knows best. I finally went in to the clinic to make sure I didn’t have Pneumonia, and got antibiotics for the bronchitis that I did have.
My due date came and went and as I SLOWLY got better, I started getting more and more impatient. I also was supposed to always sit forward with my legs splayed open, hoping that this would help the position of the baby. I was so uncomfortable and wanted to be normal again SOO badly. One night I burst into tears because I was sick to death of having to turn sideways to hug my husband.:)
My mom was here and though I was so glad to have her with me, I felt like a bug under a microscope. Being watched to see if anything moved.
I was having braxton hicks for about a week and on the 1st of April (three days overdue.) I woke up in the night with contractions. At first they were mild, like a period cramp. I got up and moved around some and they slowed down.
I spent the night sort of sleeping, sort of timing the contractions. At five am they were about five to four minutes apart and I had to some what breath through the contractions. So at about six thirty I called Joy. (Midwife)
She came down and checked me and told me I was 100% effaced and 1 cm dilated. HURRAH! But she told me to take a bath, and try to sleep. It was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, but I obeyed and sure enough the contractions slowed and stopped and I slept for a couple of hours. And when she came back to check me at noon, turns out I wasn’t 100% effaced.. My bag of waters was bulging out making it so I seemed further along then I was.
All that day I had contractions off and on. And then the stopped. I was so bummed out. The weekend passed and then Monday. Tuesday night comes and as we were watching Baby Mamma, the contractions came and were harder and sharper. I made it to about 11 PM and then called Joy to see if this was finally it.
She came and checked me and I was still the same effacement and dilation. But because the contractions were more intense and I couldn’t get them to go away, we decided to go to Fairbanks to the birth center where I was going to deliver, which is about and hour and half away.
Then we got there. No dice. I wasn’t in “active labor” which is such a disheartening phrase! HATE IT!
I cried and cried and cried. We went to the Fairbanks house and I got into the shower and sobbed for a LONG time. The worst part was I couldn’t sleep because the contractions continued every five to ten to twenty minutes. And they were so intense that I couldn’t lay or sit through them. I had to move. I would sit on the ground leaning up against an arm chair and try to sleep and get a contraction, get up, sway about, breath and want to die.
And this continued for three more nights. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were probably the worst nights/days of my life. And Dan’s life too, poor guy. I couldn’t sleep longer then twenty sometimes thirty minutes before I would wake up to a contraction. They were impossible to ignore or dampen with pain meds. Through the nights, I would walk around the living room looking over at the hospital right across the street and think, “I could just walk over and get an epidural or a c-section and be done. I wouldn’t even need to wake anyone up.” But I didn’t.
One particularly awful night, Dan got down on his knees and prayed for about an hour.
Even though, at the time I felt SO alone, like God wasn’t helping me at all, it was so comforting to have a husband there, trusting God, solid and not wavering in his trust that God would help us.
We had gotten visions for our birth after a long drawn out discussion of what we should do. Go to Fairbanks, have a home birth etc. After a lot of praying we both felt the clinic was were we should be.
I felt it very strongly and I really couldn’t even vocalize why I felt that way. And then we got the visions.
I saw some trees in a forest. All of the trees looked healthy, and I could see that it was almost springtime, because all of the trees were full of buds, about to bloom. Then I saw two trees that stood out from the rest, because these two trees looked younger than the others. I could see that there two trees also had buds, but they were not as large as the ones on the other trees. Then I saw a white dove, and it was flying over the two young trees. Finally I saw that the dove would land first on one of the trees, and then on the other. As this happened, the tree would grow a little and the buds that were on the tree became fuller. As the vision ended, I saw that the dove continued to land on the two trees, and the buds on them, looked like they were about to burst, and I knew that these two trees would be beautiful, when they were in full bloom.
Donna Gomez
I saw this Couple in a sailing vessel. The water was calm, the atmosphere still. The vessel was going nowhere, but they seemed content with that. --- Time passed; a gentle breeze was ushering in a greater wind. This Couple readied the sails and the vessel began to move forward slowly. In a short while, it was erratically turning to the right and to the left, having no forward thrust. This Couple hurried to inspect the condition of the vessel, seeking to fix the problem. --- As the vision ended, this Couple found sails they had forgotten to lift. As each sail went up, the wind instantly filled it. When all the sails were up, their vessel moved straight forward with great speed. The atmosphere around this Couple was that of joy beyond description.
Irene Conrad
I saw this couple very active with their hands working and their feet on the move. Their activities were beneficial to others, but the Lord was calling them to a quiet place with Him to reveal His purpose. When He had their full attention, He told them they were to look deep within their hearts and bring up any issues they were not fully revealing - to Him (although He already knew of them, but wanted them to speak it out) - and to each other. It was a very holy time because there was no condemnation or judgment. It brought a deeper understanding to one another and it was a cleansing before the Lord. He just wanted their hearts pure before Him and one another. Because of their busyness, they were not taking the time with Him to have this happen. His light was penetrating the very depths of their hearts. They could feel the release of a heaviness they didn't even realize they had. There was a bonding taking place with all three that would not be easily broken, if they stayed open with Him and one another. He told them now their work would be even more effective and their love for one another would be more pure.
Jannis Blohm
The one about the boat, REALLY bothered me. And as the days went by with no baby or rest and just endless nights and days of pain and frustration, I kept asking the Lord what the STUPID sail that we forgot to raise was.
Thursday night I was in the shower again and I was praying again, crying out to the Lord to just speak to me. Something. Anything. The answer was so clear, it was almost audible. He told me to have purpose. To not just let the birth happen to me, but to direct myself.
And so I got down to it. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started telling my body and the baby that it was time.
“We are going to do this. It’s time for you to come out. We are made to do this. Let’s make it happen. We have what we need. Let's get it done.”
And sure enough, contractions picked up. They got more intense and closer together. About five minutes apart, a little less. At about three we called Joy and she checked me again and found I was effacing, but not dilating much. But she decided to go to the clinic, as they have deep tubs and I need some help at that point, having been up for three days with no sleep longer then thirty minutes at a time.
We got to the clinic at about six and into the gloriously deep, wide tube. SUCH relief! I was so exhausted at this point, I could barely think at all, let alone think straight. I needed Dan SOOOO badly and he was SUCH an awesome support. He sat beside the tub and held my hand, talked to me and at one point we put on worship music from home and he sang to me.
Joy came in at seven and told me that she had called David and asked for prayer and everyone was gathered together praying for me.
And that is when I felt the “help and being lifted by prayer.” It was almost tangible. I felt lifted and strengthened and it was so moving, I sat there in the tub, having contractions, singing worship songs and crying, wondering at what an incredibly caring God I serve.
I Labored in the tub until nine am when Joy checked me again. I found out later that I hadn’t dilated at all. But she kept her fingers in my cervix while I had several contractions and stretched me as I contracted. I went to a four almost five and then we went on from there, the contractions getting more intense and painful. I got back into the tub and kept working, trying to be effective and not fall asleep between contractions. I WAS SOOOOOOO tired!! I drank lots of Recharge, (good stuff) and ate some Skittles for sugar and kept drinking tons of water. It seemed endless. We put on a story to occupy our minds with something besides the birth.
My mom arrived at this point and Dan had a bit of break.
Joy was concerned that he wasn’t in a good position so at one point, she had Dan lift up on my belly to get baby into a better position through TEN contractions. It was SO painful and Dan, was behind me holding up the belly. I started feeling drops of water on my shoulder and realized he was crying. The poor guy hated seeing me in so much pain.
At One, she had me get out and checked me again. I hadn't dilated any more, so we did the stretching again. Which hurt like hell. I went from a four to a seven with her stretching my cervix through each contraction. Then my water broke and all hell broke loose as it were. I went into transition almost immediately. I felt totally incapable of handling the pain of the contractions, which were really close together. There was Meconium in the water and I got a little concerned. I kept thinking, “I need to get this baby out!” The pain was intense, and though I never screamed I was definitely very vocal through each contraction. Joy had me get back into the tub and with in half an hour I was having the irresistible urge to push.
So I started pushing in the tub. FOR EVER!!!!!!!! Well really only 30 minutes. I went from a seven to fully dilated in 30 min. Then the rest of the team got there. There were two other midwives and then my sister. Unfortunately I wasn’t making much progress, so Joy had me get out of the tub and sit on the birthing stool for a while to see if I could move the head down. Then when I wasn't making anymore progress she had me get onto the bed on my back and had the other MWs lift my legs so I could "rock the baby under the pubic bone." Then back onto the birthing stool, where I pushed forever, and then the baby's heart beat started to go down hill. So back to the bed. I pushed a bunch there and the heart tones got a lot better. Then Joy started using a hot compress and stretching me as I pushed. It felt SO much better.
It took every ounce of strength I had and at one point on the birthing stool I asked them to pray again because I was so out of gas. They immediately obliged and I kept pushing.
I then got BACK onto the birthing stool and finally started feeling the head come down. I kept reaching in to feel it and encourage myself that the baby was really right there. I just needed to push a little harder. SO I pushed a little harder and kept pushing. They wanted me to hold my breath, push really hard, take “catch breaths” and keep pushing.
It was very difficult. I was straining every muscle in my body, pushing with every ounce of energy I had left. And finally I felt the head move down.
I was never so relieved in my whole life as when I felt that head coming through "the ring of fire"
It hurt tons, but to be honest, I can’t recall the actual sensation. I know fully that it was painful, but already being in so much pain, it wasn’t a big step up. And I was finally getting my baby out!!!!! I got his head out in two or three pushes then needed a couple more to get the body out. Though Joy was pulling on him pretty hard because he was in distress.
He finally came out, but he was breathing really badly and so they went to work on him right away trying to clear his lungs and sucking stuff out of his airways. They gave him oxygen and then started doing mouth to mouth and kept working on him.
At some point I asked what he was since no one had said. My sister chuckled and told me it was a boy. I held him for a second, but he wasn't responding or waking up so they kept going. (At this point another midwife came in to help... so yes a total of four midwives.) Joy had already called 911 by this time and because the hospital is literally like three minutes from the clinic, the medics were there in no time and the room REALLY filled up with people.
I was on the floor wrapped in a blanket and towel and two midwives were with me and several with Jackson (baby) and then there were four medics who came and got the baby and my husband and took them to the hospital. I stayed at the clinic, delivered the placenta and the blood etc. When Cory asked me if I could get back up on the stool to push out the afterbirth, I just sighed and was like, “it’s so unfair to have to do this.” I couldn’t actually stand at all and was basically lifted onto the stool. I literally could not push out the afterbirth. But Cory just pulled gently and because they had given me a shot of pitocin right after he came out, I was able to contract and she pulled it out. What I really hated was having her kneed on my belly to get the blood clots out. But she did and they were all pushed out.
They helped me onto the bed and got me covered and warmed. I got settled and finally realized I could call Dan on his cell and find out what was happening. When I called he told me baby was already doing much better. Breathing and pinking up nicely.
Then Josiah, Joy’s husband brought us dinner. I ate some food and talked with my mom & sister & two of the midwives. I told them about the word the Lord had spoken to me that morning and how excited I was to have Him answer so clearly when I needed a word so badly.
Karen was really excited too because Josh had brought opening that morning about the one thing that the Lord requires of us, whatever that thing it, that is necessary for us to make progress.
I had such a piece this whole time. Through all the turmoil and hecticness of the last two hours, I was totally confident that the baby was going to be fine, that the Lord had His hand on me and Dan and Jackson and I didn’t need to fear.
Even when I look back on it, there is still such an overpowering feeling peace. I have never experienced anything like it. No fear, when there was every reason to fear. I contribute this wholly to the Lord. It’s certainly not natural to not be afraid. Joy told me later that my peace was what kept her calm. It was the first time she’s had to resuscitate a baby that it didn’t respond.
I had to wait about two hours before I could get into a car and go see my baby. It was so special to finally hold him when I got to the hospital. I held him and loved him and I got to nurse him.
Two of my favorite memories are getting into the shower at the hospital and sitting there, hurting, but just a tired hurt, and feeling it all wash away. The sweat, the pain, the frustration, the anxiety. I shaved my legs and got all clean and it was such a sweet time to think and reflect and be grateful.
The other was that night, being so sore, I couldn’t even cough, thinking about how covered I was by the Lord and the midwives and my family. I laid there in bed resting with NO contractions for the first time in days, singing the worship songs and thanking the Lord, knowing he had lead us and directed us and kept us all safe.
So I was in "active labor" for only 11 hours, but really in labor for DAYS before. I had pushed for over two hours, which felt like an eternity. It was not what I expected, but I had the BEST team around me and everyone was really great at helping me deal with the pain and get through it. And I have never been as sore as I was the next day. Even my lungs and esophagus hurt. :)
The baby, Jackson Douglas was 8 lbs 10 oz. 22.5 " long with a 14.5" head. Which is why it took my so long to get him out. Joy also told me that she thought my body didn't want to dilate on it's own because of the D&C I had with my ectopic. I don't doubt that if I had had the baby in the hospital, I would have ended up with a c section.
So that’s the story and I’m so happy that it happened and at some point will do it again.
