PEACE!

Akkkee! I need peace! The whole situation with the Eads is really getting to me and I find myself being angry a good portion of the time. I am trying to let it go and really praying that the Lord give me peace about it. I want to be able to forget about the hurt they are causing and really leave the situation in God's hands but I just want to HURT them!

I asked Dan to pray for me that they can stop taking up residency in my mind.
My babies have been sick lately and so not a lot of time for things like thinking up something to write about. But I will be here again at some point. I keep wanting to remember things about the kids, but when I sit down to type something.... nothing. A big fat nothing. Oh well. I have a couple of videos that I want to put up just to have. I'll have to get to it later as Emma is awake and needs attention.

7 Months Old!

My little muffin is seven months old. (Really a week ago, but life has been busy, so oh well.)

She is 18 lbs 10 oz. and 28 " long. She is trying really hard to move and I think will probably be crawling before too long. Maybe another month or so. She is saying lots of "mamama ma ma ma sounds and also likes to yell" She loves to chew on her tongue, which is pretty funny.
She still beams at everyone who walks by. She has two teeth on the bottom and I think she is working on the top two as well.

Unfortunately she is having a bit of a sleep relapse. She has been waking up between 4:50 and 5 for about a week. And it SUCKS!
I am so tired. Blah!
Anyway, I do know from past experience that this to shall pass... THANK GOD!

She is a constant delight and I really love that little squirt!

Here are some pics.

First tooth is THROUGH!

And we have our first tooth! She popped it out today. It's her bottom middle right. I think she is working on the middle left. And she is showing signs of hair growth, AND she can sit up unsupported for quite a while. She is just growing up!

Jackson is doing well and being a spunky little two year old, and he pooped in the potty ONCE! :) Small victories. I know. 

Six Months Old

Emma Joy is six months old! It's amazing how fast she is growing up!

She weighs 17.10 and is quite long. I need to measure her, but haven't gotten around to it yet. She is eating three meals a day and LOVES savory things like potatoes and carrots, and bread. She loves her oatmeal too, and it's a staple. 

She is working on sitting up on her own and can do it really well if she's sitting in a lap. She Also puts EVERYTHING in her mouth, which is pretty normal.  She is happy most of the time and we are working on getting her to take two long naps during the day and getting a to bed around 8:30 to 9:00 at night. 

She really is such a Joy!

They Days when you hate everyone.

Today is such a day. I literally hate everyone. Even my children. I don't hate them, I just don't want to be with them or anyone. I want to go back to bed, or sit by myself in a comfortable chair and watch a movie. But instead, I will entertain the friend coming over and play with my kids and suck it up. Because that's what is required of me.

Jackson

He is turning into such a gentleman.(Sometimes) The other day he ran around to my truck door and said, "my help you out Mamma. " And he grabbed my hand tried to hand me out of the truck. It was super cute.
The other day we were singing "you are holy, you are holy, you are holy seated on the throne of my life" and I said , "Jack you can sing this." He looks at me and says Holy Cow! :) It was so funny.
Today, after exercising, I let him walk on the treadmill and asked him if he wanted to be done. "No Mamma, give me two more seconds." (Have I mentioned he is two and a half?) There are so many things that he says that are funny and I try to remember them, but alas, I don't! I will try to be better.

Parenting

What makes a good parent? What choices do you have to make to fit that mold? And what in tartnation does that mold look like? I was totally sucked into reading a LONG article on vaccinations and basically the stupidity of people who don't vaccinate. I also found another blog about why there are those of us who question the establishment and don't vaccinate our children. It made me reexamine my motives and reasons for not vaccinating.

Here are the blogs.
Pro vaccinate: http://bostonwed-murakami.blogspot.com/2013/09/vaccination-laypersons-perspective_26.html?m=1

Anti vaccinate:http://www.modernalternativemama.com/blog/2013/08/26/monday-health-wellness-why-the-anti-vaccine-movement-exists/

My initial reaction when reading pro vax stuff is instant distrust and anger at being called irresponsible, ignorant, neglectful, stupid, unwise etc etc etc. It pisses me off that the immediate response of so many is that "you idiot, you believe false information and are going to not only kill your child, but all the people with weakened immune systems!"
My reasons for not vaccinating?

1. I think that part of the reason my mom felt not to vaccinate us was because of me. I have many auto immune system disorder markers. Skin issues, allergies, and digestive issues. - perhaps if she had immunized me, I would be that one in a million person who's life is destroyed by complications. And so because those auto immune diseases are in fact hereditary, I'm no comfortable risking MY children being that one in a million. I'm sorry, it's not my job to be the mother of all the kids in the US. It's my job to do what I think it right for my two. 
2. I seriously don't trust the established policy on vaccinations because of the enormous money behind it. When there is SO much money in any area there is greed and power and I don't believe that those people making the decisions on what vaccinations are necessary, are not influenced by nothing more then money. 
3. I don't trust that all the scientist doing all the research telling me that it's best to give my children these vaccinations are really looking out for my wellbeing or that of my kids more then the wellbeing of their research projects, their jobs and their livelihoods.
4. I'm not even close to being able to read and understand study after study after study of information on this subject and being told that "googling" it is not good enough and reading studies on the internet aren't good enough and by the way you can only know enough to make a decision by going to med school and reading enough medical journals and studies (and understanding what the heck they are saying) and paying for subscriptions to medical journals etc etc...  I don't have any way to know what is a valid study and what isn't. I don't have enough time, money or energy to get so versed in all the science that I actually am educated about EXACTLY what vaccination's benefits and harms are. All I have is some information that I have found and my instinct as a mother. 
5. No I don't trust doctors. I'm sorry they are just people and often times too busy to give a damn about me or my issues or my concerns with their established protocol. I've had SO many experiences of the ignorance of doctors who don't try to find out the real problem, but only treat symptoms that I have NO faith in some pediatrician telling me that "no, no, everything will be great and dandy when you inject your two month old with viruses!"   

Those are some of my reasons, though not totally extensive as I don't dare quote any of the information that I've found because it's bound to be debunked as totally false and ridiculous. But I can't quiet the fear that if I do go ahead and vaccinate, I'll be doing the wrong thing, so I'm not going to until I feel otherwise.

I also read this article which is a really good reminder that we shouldn't be parenting while comparing with everyone else..

http://www.mothering.com/community/a/my-choice-to-parent-differently-does-not-imply-your-way-is-wrong

Potty Training

Where do we start? Jackson is so aggressively uninterested that it makes it hard to even want to try to get him into it.
We have been nudging him ever so gently to sit on the potty. Last night he actually pooped on the potty, but I think it was more of a matter of him having diarrhea and happening to be sitting on the potty then actually feeling the urge and making the connection.
We did a big party for him, so hopefully that will encourage a return performance.
These are my thoughts for how to proceed from here.

• Get a goody bag: Fill it with special treats and let him decorate it. 
• Get a Sticker Chart: Get fun, truck & airplane & train stickers and let him help decorate it. 
• Decorate the potty: Let him go wild with the potty. 
• Get fun pull ups: make them interesting 

I am going to try the above and see if we can't generate some interest.


As far as Emma goes, she is thriving and doing wonderfully. She is still nursing six times a day which seems like a lot to me. But I don't remember what I was doing with Jackson at that point. I am also feeding her oatmeal twice a day and will probably increase it sometime in the next month. I LONNNNNGGG for the day when I can put her to bed at 8 or 8:30 and actually have an evening.  I think part of that is going to be not letting her sleep so long in the morning, but it's SOOO nice to have a little bit extra sleep on the rare days when I get to sleep in. She is getting more dexterous all the time and can now grab things and pass things back and forth. She can also sort of sit up with a little help and she's rolling ALL OVER THE PLACE!

As for me, like I said, I LOONNNGG for a little break. Just a day or even a night and morning to sleep until I wake up on my own. I am weary of always being needed and having demands on my time, body and energy. But really, it's not all that bad, I'm just going into the long, dark and cold of winter in Alaska and wish I didn't already feel to drained and TIRED!
 We'll make it and I really don't want Emma to get big too fast. Tonight she was sitting next to Nathaniel and flirting away with him. It was so cute. She is probably the most friendly, smily baby ever. :)

Five months

It's been five months and change since I pushed this little darling out.

Isn't she beautiful? I love her so much! She is 16.8 lbs & getting close to 26" long. She's sweet and smiles and coos and makes herself friendly to all.
I am so thankful that she is here with us. Making our family that much more wonderful.
Favorite things she does? She reaches up and grabs my nose and face while nursing. She'll grab my hand and put it where she wants it. She rolls and laughs around the floor. She'll wave her legs around and scream in pure enjoyment. She's always ready to laugh and smile and her little grins make my days so much more enjoyable. She is now eating oatmeal & apple and enjoying it VERY much! She is eating it twice a day, though she still randomly wakes up in the middle of the night to eat.

Jackson is growing in leaps and bounds and the way he talks is astonishing to everyone. The other night he put his arms around me and told me "my holding you back mamma" He talks about everything. Recently it's been all about the owls and the moose daddy shot. He wan't us to make up and sing songs all about daddy shooting the moose and the owls in the trees.
He's also being exceedingly naughty. He is pushing every boundary and asserting himself ALL. THE. TIME! It's so hard to remember that he is two and I am an adult and I am not going to argue and fight with a two year old like another two year old. I have been trying to remember to teach in my discipline and not just bully because I am frustrated.
He is so creative and such a great boy. It takes me by surprise every time he says "Please Mamma" and "tank qou" without prompting. It gives me hope that all the work it actually being effective!
I love my life and my family. That's not to say that at times all I want to do is sleep or go sit in a quiet room by myself and not have anyone need anything from me, but I do love my little family so much!

And here we all are.

And more pics of Emma because she is too stinkin CUTE!

"Water Mommy!"

I keep trying to remember to get on here and write down the funny things Jackson says during the day and then I finally do and of course I can't remember ANY of them.
Though every time he get's in trouble or get's hurt he always cries... "water mommy, waterrrrr!" I think it's kind of funny.
I also LOVE that he call the trampoline a bumpaline... because he calls jumping, pumping... and peep for jeep.. :) These things make my heart happy.
He also really loves his footed jammies right now. He loves to zip them up and unzip them over and over again. What a kid.
Today I really missed him and just wanted to give him hugs and kisses. And then I got home and he was so revved up that I got irritated quickly. How stupid to want to be with your kid all day and then just get irritated when you actually do come home.
I must learn how to be tired and not irritable!

4 Months

So it's been about four and a half months since my world was rocked and my whole life changed yet again. It's been an incredible challenge to adapt and switch all my routines for new ones that I have to figure out and come up with.
But that is really common with kids. It's no longer about me, it's about them. I am so glad I have both my kiddos, but wow, it's a lot of work to juggle LIFE!

I know for sure that I am not ready to do this again any time soon. One of my friends just had her baby last night and another of my friends is in the MIDDLE of having her baby today and wow, all I can say is that just thinking about having to go through labor and delivery again, makes me want to cry. Seriously. It was the most intense and truth to tell, horrible experience of my life. Not the birthing, but the labor. I was rocked to my roots. I felt like I was so out of control and so helpless to deal with the pain, that I seriously was almost off my rocker. But then I got into the shower and everything calmed down. I felt her drop, I felt my body relax, and then a couple of pushes later, there she was. Though don't let that description lull you into thinking that pushing is like lifting a heavy weight or any other sort of strenuous activity you can think of. It's like your body ripping itself apart sort of pushing. 

I loved that after part this time though. I laid there with her naked and warm on my chest, cuddling her, getting to know her, seeing her for the first time. I loved the quiet of just having Dan and the midwives around and the shear bliss of knowing that the really hard part was over with finally. No more waiting.

But then we went home and I had after pains like I was in the middle of transition again and I could barely cope with that. And then nursing was a living hell AGAIN. I went through the emotion of realizing it was as bad and worse as the first time and that I was in for literally months of pain seven times a day every day. And it was. And this time I had cracks as well as thrush and a bad latch. Man it sucked! I was too tired and in too much pain to deal with Jackson and so I had guilt for not being the mother he needed through this massive transition in his life as well as hating to feed my little baby, who was making the transition to being alive. And let's face it, that's a hard transition. Lots of crying and not wanting to be put down and not knowing how to settle. 

It was a very hard three months. Plus I had a family wedding that I was very much a part of. My sister in law got married and my husband was in the wedding. I felt fat and tired and not able to be as a part of the whole festive time as I would have been if I didn't have a baby. Plus Dan was really bummed out not to be able to spend more time with all the family that came. It was not easy. AND then my sister got married and I was the maid of honor, so I was all kinds of responsible for lots of things. It was rough, and I am glad I don't have to repeat that. Postpartum depression. It's a fact and it's not fun to deal with, but it's also not impossible to work through and leave behind. 

It's been a rough four months, but now that things are starting to settle a bit and I am getting into the swing of being the mom of TWO beautiful, wonderful, sparkling with life children. It's going to be a grand adventure!

Rocked

Wow, so much happening and so much to think about recently. I've been thinking about when someone you've respected and looked up to, becomes someone who no longer should be respected. How do you respect someone who is no longer respectable? It sucks to have those people in your lives change completely from who you used to know, to someone quite different
It hurts too. I feel heavy and sad about this situation and there isn't any help for it that I can see. Unless of course God moves.
Uhg.
I also just read an article which made me think about how I have been with Jackson recently. It's so easy to get into a rut of yelling and being frustrated with him instead of being creative in the ways that I try to teach him. It's so easy to get too busy to take the time to give him the attention that he needs. AAAK! Being a mom is so different then what I had thought. Really it's just that I HAVE to think about it the majority of my waking hours, which requires a total rewiring of my brain. It is so easy to be self centered and to try to fit children into a convenient space in my life, instead of making them the WHOLE space and fitting everything else into any available slot.
Here is the article. http://creativewithkids.com/the-day-i-realized-i-was-bullying-my-kids/

And in other news, Emma is hysterical. She is such a cute little button! WOW! How did I manage to have such cute kids!

I'll post a picture when I am at home.

Things I Like

Well it's been a couple of rough days as both kids were sick and I didn't get to sleep much and Jackson is being a typical two year old. He is high energy and needs constant attention! He is a menace! I turn my back for a second and come back to find him "washing" his stuffed animals in the sink. :) But I LOVE how creative he is getting.
So here are some things that I like/love about being a mom.

• I love chubby arms around my neck.
• I love wet kisses on my face.
• I love grins when I tickle bellies. 
• I love snuggles at bed time.
• I love snuggles while BF. 
• I love watching them discover the world. 
• I love playing with them.
• I love baby belly laughs.
• I love two year old belly laughs.
• I love noisiness though it gets old. 
• I love downy heads.
• I love bath time and good smelling soap.
• I love wet babies in towels.
• I love tiny little fingers.
• I love little hands gripping my fingers. 
• I love bigger hand holding mine.
• I love tiny feet!
• I love sweet smelling babies.
• I love the conversation of my two year old. 
• I love late night cooing with my baby. 

There are actually quite a few more, but those are the ones I can think of right this minute. Yesterday Jack pinched his finger a bit in the door and came crying up stairs. I asked him what happened and he said, "Hurt my finger Mamma, in the doorrr.." I said sorry and laughed and bent over because he was so cute and he grinned at me and copied me bending over and chuckling. It was fun. 

These things make the waking in the middle of the night, and the shear exhaustion of raising babies worth it. 

Here are my munchkins. 

Sick Kids!!!!

Wow, SO tired. Both my kiddos are sick and I spent the last five hours of the night listening to poor Jack cough his lungs up. I gave him stuff and tried to help, but he was asleep and didn't respond to any of the meds. Oh well. I shall try to prop my eyes open for the rest of the day.
Last night Jackson did tell me, "No Mamma, only Danny tickle my back." Apparently the back tickling is reserved for dad and dad alone.. :)

Rolling Over

Today Emma started rolling over. She is getting so big so fast! She also likes to try to sit up when she is in her bouncy chair.
We measured her today too, and she is almost 26 inches long. It's always hard to realize how fast time goes by with these little ones. One day they are in your belly the next you are trying to remember how tiny they were when they first came out.
It was so hard to deal with all the pain of nursing for those first two plus months that I fear I failed to really focus on her. But that's fine. This is really my favorite stage anyway. She is SO talkative and lively and she is such a sweet girl. She sleeps great, eats fast, interacts wonderfully. The only slight draw back with her is she spits up a lot. But we couldn't have a completely perfect baby right? :)
Jackson is also growing at an alarming rate. He is now talking in complete sentences and forming original thoughts. Today he asked me " Hold the rock for a minute momma"? He picks up all these phrases and uses them. It's amazing to see how he changes.
My mom suggested to me the other day that I make sure to settle him and connect with him after I've been gone all day at work. I think it might help with some of his behavioral issues when we are at the dinner table.