It has been a while

I was away from a computer for a few days, and then I just didn't feel like writing down any thoughts, let alone thoughts worth the time to write. But here I am at last. (Paul I finally wrote a response if you are interested in reading it.) Anyway, Danny Darling.. (that sounds quite humerous) has left me for a whole week. While this is very sad, it is also a time to go around visiting all those I haven't seen for a great while. Sometimes it takes such a lot of energy to have relationships with people. Sad that I am such a lazy girl. Not really. Let's see. Oh I have continued on my journey of listening to good things to inspire me to be a better person. Though we all know that goodness comes from inside not from what you hear. But maybe I can translate it into something that I am. That would be good. I find that by leaving room for excuses such as "it's so hard", you leave too much room to do whatever you want, instead of what you know you should do. I guess I have to see it as something that I want, more then anything else. I am not going to elaborate, because I don't feel like it, and I'm not sure that I want that much of me public. Anyhoo, I am being very weird and cryptic tonight. Must have something to do with the book I just read. I am going to stop typing now. Good. All done.

Thoughts

Well, I am sitting here, emotionally traumatized. Not in a bad way at all. The last two days have been very good. I listened to a Sam Fife tape in the cheese room yesterday. It was so good to listen to it. It's really important to know where we come from and how this whole thing started.. (for anyone who doesn't know who Sam Fife is, he was the guy who started the church) The tape was right around the time he was preaching the wilderness message, and he went back and explained exactly why we were moving that way. He talked about when he first heard the Giddeon and his three hundred message from God. How he knew God was telling him that he was seperating a people, a priviledged people, who by loving God and seperating themselves, they would overcome the flesh and be able to defeat death. He talked about the scripture, "By man death, by man also resurrection " In other words it was man who brought the death experience into the world and it's going to be man who defeats death and brings resurrection life. It was so stirring. I was really overwhelmed with the hugeness of this calling. To defeat death. Talk about something to attain to. I also feel so priviledged to have been raised in this move and to have been given understanding and also to see the vision. It's spectacular. Then this morning, instead of having service we gathered and worshipped for about two hours for Mary Elis (who is dying of cancer).. we sang songs and then went into worship and people sang psalms (for those of you who are not familiar with this, it is basically a singing a song to the Lord, one that you make up on the spot. It's very beautiful) and I was so overcome by the cry that God would not leave us in the wilderness but that he would complete this work that He started and not leave us. It's such a beautiful thing. The body, everyone fighting for each other. It was tremendously ecouraging. I was totally broken and stood there crying for a long time. The beauty of what God has done is just incredible. The cry of my heart now is for God to finish it and to keep all those that He has called.
I was talking to Nannette yesterday, talking about marters and stuff, and saying how it's very easy to stay close to the Lord when you are in trouble or fear or danger, but how it's the every day complacence that will kill us. It's so suttle. It sneeks up on you and you don't even realize it, until you're half dead. It's really tricky. I am filled with a hunger for the word. I want to know the foundation, so I can stand when I get shaken. I love this word and I love the vision, I don't ever want to lose that. There is such a confirmation in my spirit about it, and I believe it with all my heart and being. Anyway, I needed to write this before it became less clear and faded.

20th Blog

Well here is a celebration. My 20th blog post. Also yesterday Dan and I hit the halfway marker. I hate walking it out. I really do. It is SO frustrating! I just want to yell sometimes. It doesn't matter how many times you can past the blasted test, you still have to face it again the next day. I love Danny dearly and will marry him and sure as anything, but I am SO all done with having to fight every minute of every moment with him to keep my hands off him, and keep his off me. It's SO IRRITATING!!!!! We do only have another six months till our year is up, but then there is still another five until we get to the alter. But I the thing is I do want to do this right and please God and have that blessing on our relationship. I just forget that occasionally. But at least we have to fight together. If nothing else, it will teach us that. To fight for what we know is right, though it is completely the opposite of what we want. Grr. On a happier note, we had the most amazing conversation the other night. I won't get into all the details, but the overview is that he want's into places that I've kept very guarded. I never new what an introvert I was until he started trying to get through the walls. I've built a lot because of being hurt. And then there is the whole thing of not wanting to seem weak, and a pushover.. I've definitely over compensated for it. We both ended up sobbing and I've never felt so open and naked in front of someone. But it was so good because I know that I can trust him. It's awesome to see a relationship growing and becoming deeper. It's very exciting. Anyway, this week was one of much emtion. Lot's of trauma. The Ekstroms leaving sort of put the cherry on top of it all. I am still dealing with anger about it. Then there is always the whole tragic thing with Patrick and Erika and Chris and Cara. It's very sad to see them in their current states of hardship. I feel very much for Chris and Cara, but you know that this will either make their relationship, or it will prove it isn't the right one. I hope that it's the first not the latter. Andway, I will now stop and return to work. I might need to come back soon, though.. my mind is still heavy.

Hardship

Ok, well in the face of some very difficult things, I am having a VERY difficult time being loving and not walling off to the Ekstroms before they leave. Tomorrow. Not all of them, just Carl and Denise. I find it amazing that someone would be here for sixteen years doing something that they didn't believe. It boggles the mind! It also makes me really mad that they would teach their kids something that they really didn't believe and then stand up and make that declaration. It really makes me angry.. Lord help me love them... Anyway, besides that, things are fine, well not really... there has been a lot of heaviness recently because of all the major things that have happend. The Diases, Tom Blohm, all the cuffufle of the businesses, Bill leaving, the Ekstroms..etc. But I guess there is always the light side. Dan.. what a wonderful thing to always have someone who will cheer you up a wee bit. I really love him, and every day a lot more. It's a wonderful thing. Hey and we're almost halfway through the year. YES! FINALLY!!! Unfortunately, we still have 11 months before we actually get married. But that will be ok. Eventually. As I told Chris about Cara leaving. Eventually he'll see this seperation as a really beneficial thing for their relationship, but right now it's kind of hard. I really hope she comes back.. I'll miss her very badly. Ok, I think I want to be done ranting now. I am tired of it and it will only take up more valuable time.

PS

Oh and the Diases decided to stay. Very incredible story really. He was on the plane and the engine died, which is what he prayed for to happen if he wasn't supposed to go. Wow.. talk about being intercepted!

Saddness

It makes me very sad. Tom Blohm died of a heart attack this morning. When you invest a lot of prayer into something, it's kind of hard to reconcile what happens to what you were hoping for. I don't know. It's an answer to prayer that he didn't lingure long having to go through all the treatments and get all the sickness and pain from that, but it's hard that he died. Lord help Janice. She's lost a lot of family in the last five years.
In other news, Bill is leaving Saturday, which means we shan't be shrieked at for a while by him. Yeah. And we had a communion service, which was very good and Dan and I washed each others feet, which is very special. More and more I realize how much I love him and really how I always want to. I know I don't know crap about marriage and all that right now, but I think that it really matters how you sow. Now and continuously. I know that if we're faithful to sow to always working things out and loving each other and keep God in charge where he belongs, we won't come up against anything that we can't get through.
Just a thought. Anyway, I must get back to work now. Hopefully Joanna will still love me after the yelling I gave her. Scary. But She knows that I won't tread softly around issues I think important.
I love ya Boj.