"Water Mommy!"

I keep trying to remember to get on here and write down the funny things Jackson says during the day and then I finally do and of course I can't remember ANY of them.
Though every time he get's in trouble or get's hurt he always cries... "water mommy, waterrrrr!" I think it's kind of funny.
I also LOVE that he call the trampoline a bumpaline... because he calls jumping, pumping... and peep for jeep.. :) These things make my heart happy.
He also really loves his footed jammies right now. He loves to zip them up and unzip them over and over again. What a kid.
Today I really missed him and just wanted to give him hugs and kisses. And then I got home and he was so revved up that I got irritated quickly. How stupid to want to be with your kid all day and then just get irritated when you actually do come home.
I must learn how to be tired and not irritable!

4 Months

So it's been about four and a half months since my world was rocked and my whole life changed yet again. It's been an incredible challenge to adapt and switch all my routines for new ones that I have to figure out and come up with.
But that is really common with kids. It's no longer about me, it's about them. I am so glad I have both my kiddos, but wow, it's a lot of work to juggle LIFE!

I know for sure that I am not ready to do this again any time soon. One of my friends just had her baby last night and another of my friends is in the MIDDLE of having her baby today and wow, all I can say is that just thinking about having to go through labor and delivery again, makes me want to cry. Seriously. It was the most intense and truth to tell, horrible experience of my life. Not the birthing, but the labor. I was rocked to my roots. I felt like I was so out of control and so helpless to deal with the pain, that I seriously was almost off my rocker. But then I got into the shower and everything calmed down. I felt her drop, I felt my body relax, and then a couple of pushes later, there she was. Though don't let that description lull you into thinking that pushing is like lifting a heavy weight or any other sort of strenuous activity you can think of. It's like your body ripping itself apart sort of pushing. 

I loved that after part this time though. I laid there with her naked and warm on my chest, cuddling her, getting to know her, seeing her for the first time. I loved the quiet of just having Dan and the midwives around and the shear bliss of knowing that the really hard part was over with finally. No more waiting.

But then we went home and I had after pains like I was in the middle of transition again and I could barely cope with that. And then nursing was a living hell AGAIN. I went through the emotion of realizing it was as bad and worse as the first time and that I was in for literally months of pain seven times a day every day. And it was. And this time I had cracks as well as thrush and a bad latch. Man it sucked! I was too tired and in too much pain to deal with Jackson and so I had guilt for not being the mother he needed through this massive transition in his life as well as hating to feed my little baby, who was making the transition to being alive. And let's face it, that's a hard transition. Lots of crying and not wanting to be put down and not knowing how to settle. 

It was a very hard three months. Plus I had a family wedding that I was very much a part of. My sister in law got married and my husband was in the wedding. I felt fat and tired and not able to be as a part of the whole festive time as I would have been if I didn't have a baby. Plus Dan was really bummed out not to be able to spend more time with all the family that came. It was not easy. AND then my sister got married and I was the maid of honor, so I was all kinds of responsible for lots of things. It was rough, and I am glad I don't have to repeat that. Postpartum depression. It's a fact and it's not fun to deal with, but it's also not impossible to work through and leave behind. 

It's been a rough four months, but now that things are starting to settle a bit and I am getting into the swing of being the mom of TWO beautiful, wonderful, sparkling with life children. It's going to be a grand adventure!

Rocked

Wow, so much happening and so much to think about recently. I've been thinking about when someone you've respected and looked up to, becomes someone who no longer should be respected. How do you respect someone who is no longer respectable? It sucks to have those people in your lives change completely from who you used to know, to someone quite different
It hurts too. I feel heavy and sad about this situation and there isn't any help for it that I can see. Unless of course God moves.
Uhg.
I also just read an article which made me think about how I have been with Jackson recently. It's so easy to get into a rut of yelling and being frustrated with him instead of being creative in the ways that I try to teach him. It's so easy to get too busy to take the time to give him the attention that he needs. AAAK! Being a mom is so different then what I had thought. Really it's just that I HAVE to think about it the majority of my waking hours, which requires a total rewiring of my brain. It is so easy to be self centered and to try to fit children into a convenient space in my life, instead of making them the WHOLE space and fitting everything else into any available slot.
Here is the article. http://creativewithkids.com/the-day-i-realized-i-was-bullying-my-kids/

And in other news, Emma is hysterical. She is such a cute little button! WOW! How did I manage to have such cute kids!

I'll post a picture when I am at home.