But that is really common with kids. It's no longer about me, it's about them. I am so glad I have both my kiddos, but wow, it's a lot of work to juggle LIFE!
I know for sure that I am not ready to do this again any time soon. One of my friends just had her baby last night and another of my friends is in the MIDDLE of having her baby today and wow, all I can say is that just thinking about having to go through labor and delivery again, makes me want to cry. Seriously. It was the most intense and truth to tell, horrible experience of my life. Not the birthing, but the labor. I was rocked to my roots. I felt like I was so out of control and so helpless to deal with the pain, that I seriously was almost off my rocker. But then I got into the shower and everything calmed down. I felt her drop, I felt my body relax, and then a couple of pushes later, there she was. Though don't let that description lull you into thinking that pushing is like lifting a heavy weight or any other sort of strenuous activity you can think of. It's like your body ripping itself apart sort of pushing.
I loved that after part this time though. I laid there with her naked and warm on my chest, cuddling her, getting to know her, seeing her for the first time. I loved the quiet of just having Dan and the midwives around and the shear bliss of knowing that the really hard part was over with finally. No more waiting.
But then we went home and I had after pains like I was in the middle of transition again and I could barely cope with that. And then nursing was a living hell AGAIN. I went through the emotion of realizing it was as bad and worse as the first time and that I was in for literally months of pain seven times a day every day. And it was. And this time I had cracks as well as thrush and a bad latch. Man it sucked! I was too tired and in too much pain to deal with Jackson and so I had guilt for not being the mother he needed through this massive transition in his life as well as hating to feed my little baby, who was making the transition to being alive. And let's face it, that's a hard transition. Lots of crying and not wanting to be put down and not knowing how to settle.
It was a very hard three months. Plus I had a family wedding that I was very much a part of. My sister in law got married and my husband was in the wedding. I felt fat and tired and not able to be as a part of the whole festive time as I would have been if I didn't have a baby. Plus Dan was really bummed out not to be able to spend more time with all the family that came. It was not easy. AND then my sister got married and I was the maid of honor, so I was all kinds of responsible for lots of things. It was rough, and I am glad I don't have to repeat that. Postpartum depression. It's a fact and it's not fun to deal with, but it's also not impossible to work through and leave behind.
It's been a rough four months, but now that things are starting to settle a bit and I am getting into the swing of being the mom of TWO beautiful, wonderful, sparkling with life children. It's going to be a grand adventure!
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