I find myself in a state of discomfort... major discomfort. I hate it that I am such a fearful person.. fearful of authority and fearful of confronting stituations I'm not in control of. I am going to have a talk with Bill, which means something to those of you who know him. I hate the fact that I am so intimidated by him. There are so many people that I have no problem saying things to, and when the occassion calls for it, I can do it with just about everyone. But with him, I hate the very thought and get nervous just thinking about the confrontation coming up. I'm not in trouble and yet I feel like I'm going to the "tool shed" to get spanked. Fear is such an unreasonable thing. It truly is. I hate that it has any hold on me, but then again, I don't do anything to get out of it. Dan is the kind of person who gets bothered by few things and is intimidated by no one. In a way it's wonderful to be with him because he pushes me, in other ways it's terribly irritating that he's never bothered or worried. I guess we all have our strengths and need each other for our weaknesses. I've been thinking about correction and how much I shrink from it. I guess I really feel like the "spanking" is the end of the world and that I've totally failed because I need one. It's really interesting how your mind can take something ment for your good and to help you, and twist it into something dreadful and terrifying. What am I so afraid of? It's not even like I don't have good experiences to remind myself that it's worth it. But somehow I manage to forget or just plain old block it out. Help! The really "scary" thing is that in order to break this, I have to open myself up to it, which means a lot of pain. But if I can break it.. by God, that's worth all the riches in the world.
There you have it, inner most thoughts of Janelle.
Say a few prayers for me.
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